Bear Infestation

Today’s post comes via text message from Bart the Bear, a wildlife-Minnesotan who found a smart phone in the woods.

Yo, Bart here.

So this summer I set up this alert-thing on the phone to buzz me whenever a bear shows up in the news. Being one, I just wanted to know how things are going for us. “Are you better off now than you were four years ago …” you know. That kind of thing.

Waiting for someone to bring me Cake.

But then a few weeks ago the alert starts pinging all the time. I couldn’t sleep, and it kinda worried me that bears were getting into so much trouble.

Then I figured out that it was the start of the football season and everything I was getting notified for had to do with the “Chicago Bears”. Not really too interesting to me, although whenever they show up there seems to be lots of food around. That would be nice, to be one of the bears that makes people get out large bowls of chips.

So then I figured out how to tell the phone to alert me ONLY when a story has both the words “bear” and “tranquilized” in it.

That made all the difference, and I started hearing only about bears going out of their way to get into places where people get freaked out by anything big and hairy. And we seem to do a lot of that.

Like this one. It seems a baby bear got into this house in Arizona and ate the cake and a whole bunch of sweet stuff. The only thing missing was the porridge!

Photo – Phil Volk / Arizona Daily Star

But instead of getting a nice bed to sleep in, this youngster got a tranquilizer dart and a hard floor.

That old “Three Bears” story pushes the idea that baby bears are hard to please. But I’ve known baby bears and I even was a baby bear once, and I can tell you for sure that baby bears are NOT PICKY. One thing about them though – baby bears KNOW that they are cute. Cute AND scary, which means baby bears are irresistible to humans, because those are your two favorite qualities no matter what form they come in.

Just a word of advice – if you find yourself looking at a baby bear and it is not in a zoo, you have looked too long and it is time to leave the area. Even if that area is your own bedroom, because you just don’t know were mama is at. As a friendly bear, I give you this advice to head off an ugly scene. And as a former baby bear, I suggest that as you leave the house, you should prop open the refrigerator door.

That’s just hospitality, and good manners.

Your pal,

Name a food you’d break into someone’s house to eat.

58 thoughts on “Bear Infestation”

  1. my favorite treat is stone crab, stone crab and a bottle of wine. yep there i would be sitting at the kitchen table with a plate and a glass of wine and a cracker for busting up those shells and a i would be deep in stone crab mode.
    i am a vegetarian but it is a philosophical diet rather than a health based decree. i quit eating meat to declare my respect for and in honor of life and living things. i have had arguementative types tell me lettuce and tomatoes are living things to but i decided to go with things that have a mother as the basis for my line in the sand. then one day about 15 years ago someone asked me about stone crab. they pointed out that i eat eggs and dairy because even though they are products of an animal they do not kill the animal to get them therefore i do include thse items in my diet. and if that is the case then stone crab qualify because the stone crab claws are the part we eat and the claws are harvested rather than taken off dead crabs. the way they do it is to bring the crabs up in nets and make sure the crabs have two good claws and then they take one. it will grow back in a season and the crab can protect himself with the remaining claw. if you take both he will not be around for next years harvest. so i think of it as eating toenail clipping with a lot of really tasty meat as a motivational draw. i used to enjoy it at the pickled parrot with a wonderful sauce but as i sophisticate my palette a bit of melted butter is about all i will let mess with my stone crab. a nice pinot grigio and i will be sitting at the table for an extended period , as extended as possible thank you very much. two hours of stone crab one afternoon is a memory i recall at moments like this. would i break in to be able to do that?
    heck ya.


    1. I’ve heard similar arguments about plants being alive (as if veg*ns had the option of living via photosynthesis–I wish!) and having feelings and all that. The study that claimed plants can feel pain has been debunked for years, but it’s one of the things people still trot out to “prove” that vegetarians are all hypocrites and therefore they can keep on eating their hamburgers and chicken nuggets without guilt. My response was always, “Show me a plant’s nervous system and I’ll become a Jainist, but until then, I’ll keep eating them and avoiding eating things I know can suffer.” My friend’s standby flippant reply is “I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants”–now that I’ve seen a clip from Veggie Tales I’m adapting her slogan instead.

      tim, I didn’t know about harvesting the crab claws, which is very cool. I’m vegan, though, and try to avoid animal products in general. Besides, after 22 years of meat-free living, I’m afraid to imagine what a meal of crab would do to my innards!


  2. i should admit here that the real answer is chips.
    i am a chipoholic.
    they call out to me
    my family gets to the bottom of the bag and throws it out.
    i look and see all those little nuggets of chip flavor in flake form in the bottom left hand corner of the bag and i get my tweezer fingers in motion to make three of four trips into that corner before i pour the final chip dust into my curled into a cup like palm for the final whoosh of chippage into my awaiting mouth. then dont drink too soon. yes the salt needs a wash but if you do it immediately you loose the linger of the taste. ahh chips. i dont have to go looking for them. they come looking for me.


  3. My mother’s oatmeal molasses bread, right out of the oven. Or my grandmother’s gjifte (I may be spelling that wrong – it’s a layered dish with crushed crackers, whipped cream, cranberries…and I think one other thing – it’s red and white and sweet and yummy).


  4. Good morning. Any tasty sweet desert. I like them all and would be very tempted to help myself to a good looking one if you left it out. You better lock your doors if have something like this and I am in the area.


  5. PJ’s choice seems good to me, and since she is a great cook I’d be happy to break into her home the next time she bakes bread and makes a soup from scratch.

    Most people have fond memories of “Mom’s cooking.” My mom was a pathetically limited cook, but she had one dish that makes me drool just remembering it. This was an all-day baking project for her. After several hours of hard work, when she had finished making her incredible caramel rolls, the house would smell good enough to eat. I’d break in for that again!


    1. my mom got her recipes off the back of the campbells soup cans. we used to laugh that it wasnt thanksgiving dinner until we pulled the burned rolls out of the oven (remember those 9×12 squares of white square rolls from the wonder bread area of the store? those are the ones.
      i wont be breaking into anything soon for that.


  6. Morning all. Short answer is any dessert that Linda makes… she always has something yummy.

    I’m also very fond of warm scones with clotted cream and jam. I might wander into somebody’s house if I thought these were waiting for me!


  7. East Indian cooking – the aroma of all those spices could lure me from great distances. When we were in married student housing, I would walk past this one place with the smells wafting out the door, almost turned in there a couple of times… I keep saying I’m going to learn to cook Indian, but have so far only gotten to the middle east.


    1. East Indian cooking isn’t hard, just time consuming. We do quite a bit of it. People tell us they can smell the spices out front of the house as they walk past on the sidewalk.


  8. Since I love to both make and eat desserts, and I’m not bad at making most food from scratch, i wouldn’t break into someone’s house for something I could make myself. But I would break in for two things that I don’t have access to anymore:

    Wild Strawberries (freshly picked).

    Homemade Thimbleberry Jam.


  9. Morning–

    Warm chocolate chip cookies speak to me; They call my name and tell me to come get them.
    And my mom’s refrigerator cheese cake. I’d sneak into a house if I knew that was in there…

    Plus anything Linda makes…


    1. Either that, or just start leaving baked goods outside of her house (perhaps a safe distance away from the front door so Baboons aren’t tempted to din their way into her kitchen looking for more). She could get something like those Little Library boxes, only sized for baked goods.


  10. Homemade caramels. Pecan Pie. Russian Tea cakes. Aunt Norma’s Chicken (Oven braised chicken my aunt made with her home grown leghorns).


  11. Warm, freshly baked spice bread with Hope Creamery butter, or a double chocolate layered cake with chocolate buttercream frosting would do it.

    I’m not a fan of eating popcorn but the smell of a freshly popped batch makes me slobber and slaver in a famished state at work. It’s strange because I really don’t like to eat it but the smell of it makes me ravenous. The guys at work will do this to me all winter, filling the building with the smell of freshly popped popcorn, while my tummy rumbles away.


  12. Oh my, so many things. Sweet corn, coq au vin, steamed artichoke with lemon & butter, mashed potatoes, grilled salmon or rainbow trout, cheese omelets, cheese enchiladas, cream cheese wontons, chocolate torte with fresh whipped cream, banana cream pie, key lime pie, chocolate bread pudding, rhubarb crisp, sliced apples with caramel sauce.

    Edith, do you have a set of lock-picking tools I could borrow?


    1. Those were confiscated when I was caught. I’m not going to tell the story of what I was doing when I was caught, but it is possible that I could have been breaking and entering to get at some food and that is why I will now only do that to get at wild strawberries and homemade thimbleberry jam.

      Bill and Robin have brought bread pudding to two BBC meetings, one rhubarb and one apple – perhaps the next one could be chocolate! Are you reading this, Bill & Robin?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s